Multitasking

Wordle on the Loo dept.

When the new Congress came in, they first, of course, undid everything the old Congress had done.

They funded what had been defunded.

They defunded what had been funded.

They brought back who had been deported, and they deported who had run amok.

They jailed who needed to be jailed, and strung up by their thumbs who needed to be strung up by their thumbs.

After that, there was time to bring up new legislation.

The most surprising was the Multitasking Bill.

It was spearheaded by a lobbying group chaired by Robert Mueller.

Yes, that Robert Mueller—of the Mueller Report.

“Well, I had to do something,” he said simply. “My life wasn’t over after ‘The Mueller Report.’”

Robert Mueller

The Multitasking Bill—formally, Bill 268B—soon became The Multitasking Law.

It stated, simply, “No citizen of the United States shall engage in Multitasking unless absolutely necessary.”

The effects of The Multitasking Law were swift, and difficult for many.

“Suddenly, not being able to chop potatoes while playing ‘Who Wants to Be A Millionaire’ on Alexa was a shock to the system,” admits Max Tubler of Greenblitz, Ohio.

“I was used to taking a walk and listening to podcasts,” remembers Kylie Cubler of Airfryer, Vermont. “Now I just take a walk. Or I listen to a podcast. Just not at the same time.”

“Cookie” Cadwallader, of Subtle, Wyoming, used to take baths while enjoying a crossword puzzle. “Now I just take a bath,” she says. “I do the crossword later on.”

Some folks still Multitask, no matter the penalties.

“When I’m on hold for an hour with the phone company,” shrugs Cora Wigler, “I compose little haikus. I can’t help it.”

She knows that, if discovered, the fines are stiff.

“I know it,” Wigler says. “A friend of mine was recently flagged for doing Wordle while on the toilet. She’s doing community service for three months. Tutoring math. This thing is no joke.”

For a lot of people, the new regulations seem to be working out just fine.

“At first I didn’t like it,” declared Keeter Bibby of Smiggle, Oregon. “I was used to eating a breakfast wrap while watching ‘Good Morning America’ and making little sketches of birds while also doing Duolingo German.” He nods. “It’s been an adjustment. But I’m getting used to it. It’s just a different focus.”

So far, no one has gone to jail for Multitasking Law violations. But some—notably the city manager of Milk, Utah—have been hit with the maximum fine of $2,500.

“He was playing ‘Connections’ during a council meeting,” shrugs Mike Michaels, of the Milk Board of Trustees. “Plain as day.”

The “Unless Absolutely Necessary” clause of The Multitasking Law has been challenged in court across the nation. So far, only Lt. Cale Dittles, a pilot with Allegiant Air, has gotten a pass.

“I had the aircraft on automatic pilot,” he states, “And nature called. While I was in the lavatory I checked the 7-day-weather report for Phoenix. I’ll admit, I was wondering how the golf was going to go the next couple of days. But wind speed and precipitation were also germaine to our approach and landing. Which is how they saw it. Fortunately.”

When the next Congress meets, it will be interesting to see if the Multitasking Law holds, or faces opposition.

“I’ll tell you this,” says one Senator, who spoke anonymously, “Do I miss reading zoning legislation while listening to ‘Star Talk’? I don’t miss that at all.”

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Here’s “One Piece at a Time.”: