My Cognitive Test
Brisket and 2 Sides dept.
I recently went to have a cognitive test.
I wanted to go to Walter Reed, but I couldn’t get in, so I went to Willie Reed instead.
Not a hospital, exactly, but Willie Reed does cognitive tests, along with selling a fine brisket out of his van, for just $12.95. With two sides, included. Highly recommended.
Anyway. The cognitive test? It’s meant to be confidential, but I don’t mind telling you that I aced that sucker. Took it to the cleaners and ran it all over town, and back again.
First of all, there was the math part.
Now, my uncle was a mathematician, very high level, published books and everything.
So it’s no surprise really, how I did on this portion.
But still.
They asked what is 23 times two.
Now, I don’t want to spoil it for you in case you’re trying to figure it out yourself.
Maybe you need pen and paper.
I didn’t.
And I didn’t use a calculator if that’s what you’re thinking.
Nope. In my head. Pretty much right away.
So that was a success, and Willie kind of couldn’t believe it.
Next, he gave me three words.
And they weren’t related or anything.
One was house, and one was raccoon.
I won’t tell you the third one, in case you have to take the test yourself sometime.
You’re not supposed to study for this test.
I didn’t.
And anyway, after Willie Reed gave me the three words, I said them back.
In the correct order.
Just like he had said them.
And, again, I didn’t study for this. I wasn’t given the words in advance.
Willie didn’t say anything, but you could tell he was impressed.
By his face.
At least, I could.
The last part of the test, I had to draw something. I don’t want to tell you what it was, but I will tell you that it was an animal.
Now, some of you may have gone to art school, so this would be a piece of cake for you.
When I say “a piece of cake,” that’s not what I had to draw. It’s just an expression.
Meaning, it would be easy for you. If you went to art school.
I didn’t.
But still…I drew it!
OK, it was a horse.
Willie told me to draw a horse, and I mean…no hesitation!
I drew it, and it didn’t even take me that long.
And Willie just threw up his hands, and it was like, “What am I going to do with you!?! You pass!”
After that we relaxed, at least I did, because, you know, when you take a test, even if you’re doing really well, you are a little tense, but anyway, like I say, after that I relaxed, and I had some of that brisket.
I don’t want to tell you what my sides were, but they were coleslaw and corn on the cob.
For $12.95.
Really worth it. You might pay three or four dollars more and you wouldn’t get a better brisket. And the sides were included. In my case, I got coleslaw and corn on the cob..
Even now, a couple days later, I remember what the sides were.
I feel pretty good about that!
I think even Willie Reed would be impressed.
Thank you for posting this, Dan. It clears up a lot and puts to rest some of those awful rumors of your cognitive decline, which are spreading like wildfire. When I last saw you a couple of months ago at The Turning Point, a lot of people were saying, "He's completely lost it mentally."
This one guy came up to me right after the show - big strong guy with tears running down his face, a hugely successful guy by the way - and he says to me, "Sir, pardon me for saying this, but air, I'm pretty sure Dan has dementia. For one thing, he completely forgot some of the lyrics in the fourth verse of Thanksgiving Day Parade. And at some point when he was talking in between songs about tennis and a historic match and Wimbledon, Dan mixed up Venus and Serena Williams. Worst of all, Dan didn't even know where he was or where he was supposed to be! Dan had a second gig later that evening somewhere in New Jersey, and he needed someone from the audience to tell him the name of the town."
But I pushed back and said, "Dan is as sharp as a tack! Thanksgiving Day Parade was written more than 25 years ago and there's a lot of verses, so sometimes he forgets a line or two. It happens to everyone. That's not a sign of decline. And who the heck knows where anything is in New Jersey?!? I think you are reading way too much into this."
But then another guys said to me, also a big strong guy, by the way, with even more tears in his eyes, and he says to me " Sir, sir, it's not just that he forgets a line or two. Sir, have you seen his HANDS?!?"
I said, "No. Was there a bruise on his hands or something? Dan shakes a lot of hands, so it's probably just a bruise. He also hugs a lot of people. I wouldn't be surprised if his chest is bruised, too!"
Now this big strong guy was practically sobbing, "Sir. No, sir, his hand wasn't bruised. But years ago when I would see Dan perform I loved to pay close attention to the way Dan played his guitar. I used to watch the shape of his right hand as he held the pick, and I would watch his left hand with its long, delicate, agile fingers as they moved from cord to cord. And tonight I was watching him, and that's not the same hand I saw 10 years ago! The fingers are different! So, either that guy on stage is not the real Dan Bern, but actually a body double who has replaced him, or if that is the real Dan Bern, whatever disease is destroying Dan's mind is also eating away at the fingers, too, and probably the rest of his body, too!"
So, I told both of these men -- big, strong men, with tears in their eyes -- that you are indeed the real Dan Bern, and I even explained what happened to your finges.
But they were adamant that the only way to prove it was really you and that you still had all your faculties would be for you to take a cognitive test! And I just shook my head in disgust.
However, now they should have all the proof they need!
Also, I love brisket! ☺️
Wait. You didn't have to draw a clock? With arms pointing at a specific time? Oh boy…not a full assessment. Jury is still out till you do the clock test. Just sayin. Are you sure it wasn't that the cognitive test that was $12.95 and the brisket was free?