My July 4 Weekend

Party dept.

Project 250, or whatever this one is called, is the regime’s commemoration, or celebration, of when we began trying this thing out.

For me, it need not be shat on by (no doubt) well-meaning professional biters, kickers, stompers and punchers.

It need not be gilded with too-shiny pillars and banisters that look like you could pull them off and stuff them in tomorrow’s trash pick-up bins.

I need no shows of military force.

Or John Philip Sousa or, sorry, Lee Greenwood.

I would love to program the weekend for July 4, 2026.

Springsteen would play for a while. Dylan would play for a while. Branford Marsalis would play some Coleman Hawkins.

There would be a tennis court, and McEnroe and Connors would hit. Billie Jean and Martina and Chris Evert would hit. Venus and Serena would play the Bryan Brothers. Sampras and Agassi would play. There would be a hoops game, with Bird, Jordan, Magic, Pippen and Kareem against Stef, LeBron, KD, James Harden and Jalen Brunson, with the participants receiving Kobe Bryant medals. The White Stripes would play, and Eminem, and Taylor Swift, and Beyoncé, and Billie Eilish.

There will be a baseball game featuring Sandy Koufax, Reggie Jackson, Barry Bonds, Nolan Ryan, Johnny Bench and Aaron Judge. Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa and Max Scherzer and Kershaw and Verlander and Mookie Betts.

Tom Brady will throw a down-and-in to Gronkowski.

Amanda Gorman will read.

Chris Chandler will perform.

The Mammals will play the songs of Woody Guthrie.

Jelly Roll will sing.

Shaboozey will sing.

Dustin Hoffman will deliver a monologue. Meryl Streep will deliver a monologue. De Niro and Pacino will perform. “Who’s On First.”

Jim Carrey will do facial contortions.

Bill Clinton will play the saxophone.

Obama will read “Casey at the Bat.”

I will sing “Josh Gibson,” “No Kings,“ “My Country Too,” “The Legend of Yasiel Puig,” “Johnny Sylvester Comes Back to Visit the Babe,” and “New American Language.” If there’s time, I will sing “Oklahoma“ and “Lithuania“ and “The Year-by-Year Home Run Totals of Barry Bonds.”

Paul Simon will play.

Dolly Parton will play.

The Neville Brothers will play.

Ozomatli and Los Lobos and Ani Difranco will play. Morgan Wallen will sing “My Old Kentucky Home.”

The women of “The View” will sing “Locomotion.”

Larry David will read Thomas Paine.

Hamilton will be performed.

The Old Crow Medicine Show will play “The Devil Went Down to Georgia.”

Everybody in the country will bowl for free.

Soon-to-be defunct pennies will be worth a dollar for one year.

Kornheiser and Wilbon will emcee the whole thing.

That’s a party.

My 250 Party.

See you there?

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