Penguins!

The Great Experiment dept.

By now you probably have heard of the Great Arctic Penguin Experiment.

Norwegian scientist Blod Miggler proposed bringing penguins to the Arctic.

“Why would you do that?” he was asked.

“Why not?” was his reply, and no one could really answer him.

So Miggler took a small team to the Antarctic, cajoled 11 penguins (“We would have liked 12, which is a nice even number, but we took what we could get.”) into his biplane, “The Fluegler,” and flew north.

Miggler and his team let the penguins go free and observed them.

“On the first day, two of them were devoured by a polar bear,” recalls Miggler. “It was unfortunate. But the Arctic is the Arctic.”

On the third day, two penguins were sadly harpooned by Danish fishermen.

“There was no way to really avoid it,” laments Miggler. “Fishermen are part of the geobiological diversity as much as bears, or ice, or what have you. But still. It was lamentable. Which is why we lamented.”

The remaining seven penguins seemed to take matters into their own hands, and the next day gained voyage on a freighter bound for Ketchikan.

“The penguins seemed to adapt well to Ketchikan,” recalls Miggler. “But then three of them continued on, boarding a ferry headed south.”

It eventually docked in Los Angeles, with Miggler along for continued observation..

“It was a surprise to see them so far south,” Miggler muses, “but I suppose if the Kings and Mighty Ducks can play hockey there, it was no great shakes for penguins to survive quite well.”

The penguins eventually gained employment at the concession stand at Staples Center during the hockey season.

Miggler hopes they can catch on with one of the public indoor ice rinks, handing out rental skates and the like.

“I have no choice but to consider the penguin experiment a success,” he concludes. Miggler intends to observe the penguins for a little while longer, and then return to Norway.

“At this point the penguins seem to have adapted well, and are basically self-sufficient,” says Miggler.

Miggler next plans to remove some Bengal tigers from Bangladesh, and see how they do in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan.

“This has long fascinated me,” says Miggler. “How will the tigers adjust to life in Bloomfield Hills, and how will the people in Bloomfield Hills take to the tigers? You just never know. The experience with the penguins can attest to that.”

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Listen to “Bound for Outta Town”: by Jim Page