Wormhole

Ask a Farmer dept.

I watched Merle working next to his tractor in the neighboring tract of land.

He had seemed unusually busy for the past week. And he’d been singing.

When Merle sings, you know he’s really doing something.

The last time I heard Merle sing so much, he was building an automatic fan to keep cool while driving his tractor.

I didn’t want to interrupt Merle, but I wanted to know what he was up to.

I went over and stood politely until Merle stopped singing for a moment.

He was hunched over a table full of tools and transistors and auto parts.

“Hey Merle,” I said, “What are you doing?”

“Building a wormhole,” he said.

“You mean—” I stammered.

“Wormhole. Space travel—too slow. We’ll never get anyplace, the way we’re going.”

Einstein

I watched Merle wrap wire around some sort of box, several times.

“But Merle,” I said, “the best scientists in the world can’t do that. Can’t even come close.”

Merle just shrugged. “They ain’t asked a farmer to do it. I always say, if you can’t do something, ask a farmer.”

Merle picked up a screw gun. He fastened something down tight. It made a lot of noise.

Mr. Spock

“How do you think it’s going?” I said. “Your project.”

“Pretty good,” he said. “Should have it ready next week.” He looked up. “If the rain holds off.”

“Why the rain?” I asked.

He looked at me like I was five. “Can’t work out here, in the rain.”

I watched him for awhile. He was singing again. The old Bobby Vee song.

“Take Good Care of my Baby

“Never ever make her bluuuueee….”

“What happens when you’re done?” I asked.

“Well,” he said, “I might visit another galaxy. Might like to do that. Course, the state fair’s coming up. So I might wait a little while.”

“What does Tillie think of this?” I asked. Tillie was Merle’s wife.

He shrugged, and smiled, just a little. “She don’t know,” he said. “She don’t like traveling so much anymore, so….”

The implication was clear. Merle would be traveling to another galaxy alone.

“And if you should discover

“That you don’t really love her”

Bobby Vee

I watched Merle working on his wormhole for a while longer, then headed back on home.

I don’t know if Merle will be able to make a wormhole that actually works. Neil DeGrasse Tyson says that in order to make a wormhole that could transport humans, you’d need a machine bigger than the Universe.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson

I didn’t mention that to Merle.

I didn’t want to discourage him.

On the other hand, Neil DeGrasse Tyson is not a farmer.

I went inside the house and opened the window.

I could still hear Merle singing.

“Send my baby back on hoooomme to me….”

I wondered if Merle would let me try the wormhole, if he gets it working.

I bet I could write some pretty good wormhole songs, if the thing was actually usable.

Maybe a whole album.

It could be on Bandcamp, and everybody would want to hear it.

—

Here’s a song I did, “Speed of Light,” with Chris Chandler and Paul Benoit.

—

And here’s Bobby Vee: